It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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