On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
