The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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