Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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