fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
