I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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