Where are you?
In a non slutty way
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
