Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
