Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
