Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize