sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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