Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
