pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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