i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
