never play flip cup with pint glasses
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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