he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Randomize
