Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize