I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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