I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
