Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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