we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
