Jerry, you need to find god
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
