i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
