Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I cockslap morals
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
