sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
