just come out here and I will go home with you...
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
