I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
