so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
