Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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