you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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