Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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