My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
