he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
