you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
