We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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