so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
