why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
