Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
