Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
