i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
