I'll bet she douches with gravy.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
