I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
