Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
dude. I can hear the air.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
