even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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