He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
