ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
