cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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