mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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