I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
