Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Of course I have a pirate flag
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
