Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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