party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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