does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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